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Baby Physics 101

funny things that babies do


Welcome to Baby Physics 101.

This class will seek to understand the basic principles behind the often enigmatic and always erratic movements of the common baby. 

Please note: Baby Physics 101 is a pre-requisite for Toddler Biology 201 and Childhood Psychology 304, and not a pre-requisite for traditional Physics 101, as the concepts in Baby Physics generally conflict with the tenants of traditional physics.

Law 1.0
The smaller the baby, the bigger the pile of things you will need to take care of said baby. 

Law 2.0
baby eating things it shouldn't
Figure A. This baby demonstrates Law 2.1. Note the age
appropriate toy in the background that the child is ignoring.
The more dangerous the object, the harder the baby will try to place the item in his or her mouth. 
Law 2.1: the less edible an object is, the more the baby perceives it to be actual food. 
Law 2.2: the more appropriate an item is for baby's consumption (bottle of breastmilk/ formula/ water/ juice, or purees/age-appropriate pieces of food), the more likely it is that the family dog will consume it after it is thrown on the floor. 

Law 3.0
The more fur (either in density or length) that an animal has, the more attractive the animal is to the baby. 

Law 4.0
The later it is, the less likely that the baby will go down without a fuss. 
why won't my baby go to sleep
Figure B. This child actively refuses to go to bed, even
after her parents have held her, sung to her, bounced her
up and down, patted her back, and rocked her. The
continual rubbing of her eyes indicates that the
child is sleepy, but, in accordance with Law 4.2, she
will not go to bed anytime soon as the parents
were both suffering from colds and needed extra sleep.
Conversely, Law 4.1 states that when a baby sleeps well, the more likely that the baby will continue to sleep well in future napping and sleeping patterns.
Law 4.2: The more the parent needs extra sleep the more likely the baby will stay up all night. (Cf. "insomnia in early parenthood" and "how long parents can go without reliable sleep patterns')

Law 5.0
The more prepared the parent is for a special event (including hair, makeup, fancy dress), the higher the likelihood that the baby will emit some sort of gross bodily function. 
Law 5.1: the later the parent is for a meeting, appointment, party, etc., the more likely that the baby will throw up.
Also note Law 5.2, which states that the baby will wait until the most inopportune moment possible (i.e. when being handed to an ornery, ancient aunt or in the middle of legal proceedings) to void his/her bowels and/or puke up his/her most recent meal.

Law 6.0
A baby sees a clean diaper as a challenge. 
Law 6.1: the more clothes that a baby has on, the more likely that he/she will have a blow-out (cross-reference "babies and incliment weather" in the index). Cf. Laws 5.0, 5.1, and 5.2 for likely occurence times.

Review the following laws of baby physics, and be prepared for a test on Monday.